“Trust in God’s goodness all the days of one’s life” (BCP,830)

Next week I celebrate my 74th year of being alive. The good news is that I have a twin sister, so someone always remembers, but the quite amazing news is that even with all the challenges of getting old, it’s still a day to give thanks. I cannot say that being an elder is easy. I have some serious limitations, and there is a nagging uneasiness about feeling as if because of my age, I am on the sidelines.

Because I am unemployed, these days I often have too much time on my hands and, despite my better self, that brings up regrets about my past. I try repeating a prayer from the New Zealand prayerbook:

“I will lie down in peace and take my rest, For it is in God alone that I dwell unafraid. It is night. Let us be still in the presence of God. It is night after a long day. What has been done has been done; What has not been done has not been done; Let it be. “

Yes, if I could start over, I’d do many things differently, but what I often ignore is if I started over, I’d just make different mistakes. That’s life. So, I try to be honest about my shortcomings and my past mistakes, but I am also seeking to find a deeper and wider definition of who I am rather than grading myself on my past. It’s not only “What’s done is done and what’s left undone is left undone.” It’s also any day, any time is when we can start over. Indeed, St. Francis’ last words were: “Let’s begin again.”

Every Lent I say my confession to a priest because I want someone to say out loud what I need to hear and believe: “our Lord Jesus Christ…of his great mercy forgive you all your offenses and…absolve you from all your sins….Now there is rejoicing in heaven; for you were lost and are found; you were dead and are now alive in Christ Jesus our Lord. Go in peace. The Lord has put away all your sins.” (BCP, 451).

We cannot live in the past. Indeed: “This is the day the Lord has made, Let us rejoice and be glad in it.”

There is nothing I can do about the last seventy-three years, except to be honest about those parts of myself that prevent me from being the person God created me to be. This is freeing because there are so many things I can’t and do not want to do. There’s a reason I am a retired bishop. There’s a reason I don’t work seven days a week. There’s a reason I am sober from alcohol. My hope is to hold on to the practices that make me more of who I was born to be, and to let go of those that do not; to celebrate the events that have connected me to my true source and to let go of those that did not.

But most of all, my hope and intention is to use the years I have wisely. I don’t have time to be nervous, or envious, or angry, or depressed or even distracted. I don’t have time to let my false self-rule my behavior or thoughts. Most of all, I don’t have time to postpone the very acts of forgiveness and admission of wrong to friends, family and anyone who was and is and will be part of my life.

I keep thinking of St. Teresa of Avila’s words of wisdom:

“Life is short and must be lived by you alone. And there is one glory which is eternal. If you think upon these things, there will be many things about which you care nothing.”

As my birthday comes closer, I am thinking about these things, and I am hoping that that thought will help me care nothing about many things that are a detour from my true self and instead to live into all the acts that finally help me be the person God created me to be.